florida – aMediocreMan

Harold, my first experience with real death

(this is a true story, I witnessed this while driving to work several years ago)

I saw papers flying into the air, a small explosion

like a defunct roman candle, not a bottle rocket

up into the air about 10 feet, then scattered around by the wind

onto the curb, onto the median, onto the hot, Florida concrete

like shards of nothing

quick red lights forced closely to my front bumper

a woman, yelling and running from the fruit stand across the street

I got out, walked around the vehicle in front

The bottom corner of the windshield cracked in a soft ball sized circle

with dirty strips of brownish, black hair stuck between the cracks Continue reading “Harold, my first experience with real death”

Chuck the Chicken- a Florida bar

roo I parked on a side street and walked towards the bar. A couple was sitting at one of the tables directly next to the bar door.

The man looked liked a biker; he was tall, too thin (almost crack thin), had a black skull & bones do-rag on his head, old stonewashed jeans and roughed up leather boots. He was smoking Marlboro Reds and drinking beer from a tall glass.

The woman with him looked worn. Her leathery skin made her look about 55 years old, but she was probably 30. She had what local Floridians call “crocodile” skin; dry and cracked. She seemed a little fucked up. Not drunk, probably just some pills.

She had a white chicken on her left shoulder. He/she was just sitting on her shoulder looking nervously around, like chickens do.

“Is that a chicken on a crocodile-skinned woman’s shoulder sitting outside a bar,” I silently asked myself. I knew 100% that I had never dropped acid, but I was suddenly wondering if someone slipped me some.

People walking by were marveling at this sight. Apparently I wasn’t the only person dumbfounded by this fuckery.

A man stopped and asked her, “Is that a pet chicken, can I pet it?”

Crocodile-skin lady smiled, revealing a missing tooth right where the vampire tooth is supposed to be, “Yep, he’s our pet chicken. His name is Chuck. Yep, Chuck the Chicken. Go ahead and pet him,” she said. Continue reading “Chuck the Chicken- a Florida bar”

nearly being raped (wash your vegetables)

(This post is 100% true and based on 100% true events. I am not making any of this up, nor am I embellishing anything. That being said……………….)

For work, I used to have to spend a great deal of time performing safety inspections for clients who were farmers and harvesters in Florida. During the scope of my work one day, I thought I was going to be raped.

I had to go see a client in Labelle, Fl who harvests watermelons. (Harvest is a more polite word for “pickers”.)

In Florida, we have tons of migrant workers who pick fruit and vegetables for mere pennies.

Anyway, I called the client and he arranged to meet me inside the front gate of the farm. Typically, a land owner will have several crews harvesting multiple food items on their vast property.

I pulled into the front gate and my client was waiting for me in a large, extended white van.

I walked towards the van and I could see a driver and another man sitting directly behind the passenger seat. The driver reached over, rolled down the window and told me to get in.

I got in and the smell of sweat, beer and body odor smacked me directly in the face. It was about 90 degrees out and these two men had both been picking in the fields for several hours already. Continue reading “nearly being raped (wash your vegetables)”

Bradentucky seafood festival

seafood-fest-desoto-bradenton-2593 A man wearing only one flip flop, sits slumped over on a bench resting the side of his head on a oak tree about 20 feet from the main stage.

He’s wearing a black shirt with a red confederate flag on the front that says, “You’ve got your X, we’ve got ours.”

There are other men in only slightly better condition standing behind him drinking Budweiser from cans and smoking pot from a one-hitter that slides into a belt buckle. Behind them, a normal looking mom and dad with three young sons eat fried foods on extra-large toothpicks.

The weather is beautiful. It’s about 80 degrees, sunny with no clouds and very little humidity. The kind of weather that keeps the tourists around until the snow melts in their northern hometowns. The kind of weather that keeps the tourists clogging my streets while I try not to succumb to massive road rage.

“If I leave here tomorrow, would you still remember me,” is the Lynyrd Skynrd song being played by the band. About 25 to 30 people attempt to dance to the country anthem, but really just sway back and forth spilling beer on their feet without a care. Continue reading “Bradentucky seafood festival”