mountain dew – aMediocreMan

An ode to Mountain Dew

According to Wikipedia, in 1940 two Tennessee beverage bottlers named Barney and Ally Hartman invented the formula for Mountain Dew.

Below is my tribute to those two fine men:

I walked into the 7-11 and quickly made my way to the back of the store where the drink coolers are located. Immediately, I could see it staring back at me.

The 12-ounce, green canned goddess looking into my eyes.

It was screaming, “Touch me, open me, drink me down you dirty boy. I won’t quench your thirst, but I taste so good, so slippery and so sugary. Everyone is drinking me, just take me, take me now.”

I couldn’t resist, I grabbed it and jumped to the cashier and butted in front of an old lady with blue hair and a walker. I couldn’t wait.

Beads of sweat began trickling down my forehead towards my nose. The cashier looked at me like I was a crack or meth head looking for my next hit. Well, she wasn’t that far off.

Much like meth addiction, if I continue my assault on these green canned goddesses, my teeth are sure to start dropping out of my mouth indiscriminately.

She scanned the bar-code, “that will be $1.06 please,” she said as she annoyingly chewed her gum and twirled her poorly bleached blond hair. Continue reading “An ode to Mountain Dew”

big day off (mediocre man style)

Wednesday, the day after Xmas I was off from work. (I like to use “Xmas” instead of Christmas, it feels more daring to me.) I really didn’t have anything planned and thought a couple times about doing something productive.

I woke up and had a Mountain Dew, because I’m addicted to sugar and caffeine. Then I ate a cashew Lara bar. It tasted pretty good. I like cashews. Apparently Lara bars are Paleo friendly. I’m not on the Paleo diet, but I like cashews and think maybe it’s somewhat good for me. And I think cashews pair well with Mountain Dew.

I turned on a documentary on Netflix and chilled, by myself. I was wondering how I should handle that situation. If I “Netflix and Chill” by myself, do I have to jerk off? Or can I just watch the documentary and leave my dick alone?

my addiction

soda I’m embarrassed, I’m ashamed and I’m weak because I have an addiction. I’m not proud of what it does to me. I’m not proud of what I do to get it. But I do it anyway.

When I first roll out of bed, it nags at me like a hangnail.

“Come get me, you know you need me. You know you can’t make it an hour without me,” it whispers knowingly in the back of my mind.

I look around my house in odd corners hoping to find a couple of quarters or dimes. If I can’t find enough there, I lift up my car seats and scour underneath to find the right amount to pay for it.

Once I find enough change, I get into the car. I don’t brush my teeth, I don’t bathe, I simply put the car in drive and get there as quickly as possible. Continue reading “my addiction”