relationships – aMediocreMan

a real dating profile

(I’m married now and very happy, but there was a time when I was single after divorcing from a 10 year marriage and was roaming around aimlessly in the dating scene. For me, it wasn’t much fun and I even went on a dating website or two, which was an absolute joke, and yes I admit that I did it. Please keep in mind that Tinder hadn’t been invented yet).

This brings me to what could solve almost every dating issue for single people………..

The Honest Dating Profile (kind of like an alcoholic at his/her first AA meeting):

Hi, my name is JB and I’m single. “Hi JB, welcome to the group.” I’m 32, recently divorced and looking to get out into the dating scene.

I haven’t dated in nearly 12 years, so I’m a bit nervous and not sure what to expect.

So, here goes. I’m a decent looking guy and I’m pretty much looking for a woman who isn’t afraid to slut it up and get fairly nasty with me.

When we go out, we will split everything 50/50; drinks, dinner, desert, movies, cab fares, lotions, lubes, ball-gags and anything else we do while being out together.

When I get nervous, my forehead gets sweaty and so do my balls. Continue reading “a real dating profile”

Dear soccer mom,

Dear Soccer Mom,

Hi there, you don’t know me, but you cut me off today while speeding through a 20 MPH school zone in your extended Chevy Suburban with the stickers on the back window that shows how many children you have.

I’m sure there was a good reason for you endangering the lives of young, innocent school children by blatantly ignoring the speed limit.

Maybe you broke a nail and had a “salon-emergency.”

Maybe one of your fake, silicon tits popped and you had to race to your plastic surgeon’s office before the other 20 soulless, insecure women beat you there.

Maybe you just found out that your husband was banging his much younger than you, much hotter than you, much tighter than you secretary and you were speeding to your lawyer’s office to draw up the divorce papers. Continue reading “Dear soccer mom,”

the lost milf- dancing Al Roker

Dancing Al Roker (the lost milf)

her main job for the day is to take the kids to and from school. They are older now so the task has become considerably easier. Their Iphones have the alarm clocks now and they no longer care for breakfast.

“The bus leaves in 10 minutes,” she warns them each morning.

her bus is an extended Chevy Suburban with those cute stickers on the back window that helps everyone understand exactly how many kids and pets she has now. The windows are tinted as dark black as legally possible so no one can see her face absent of make up that earlier in the morning. The crows feet are deeper now and the dark circles widen with each year.

after dropping them off, kisses blown and back to the house. Once inside, time for the magical breakfast 5-4-3 cocktail……..5 grapes followed by 4 crushed and snorted Oxy’s followed by a glass of water with 3 lemon slices………….ah, let the numb morning begin. Continue reading “the lost milf- dancing Al Roker”

deconstructed milf

Marriage: Years 1-5

Each day, cotton candy fluffy marshmallow clouds

floating between comments of “I love you” and “You’re beautiful honey”

hubby home from work, healthy dinner served,

glass of $50 wine that is difficult to pronounce so it must be fucking great

Tongue down throat, barely make it to the bed, face in the pillow

deep, penetrating cock inside you like he fucking means it, visceral fucking with love on the side, so in love his sweat tastes like cupids own saliva

true, fucking, love.

Next day, smile like a clown as you walk outside to get the mail,

waving stupidly at the neighbors with your “the world is mine” look

because your life is better, your BMW is newer, your skin is tighter

you still stay up past 11 each night

and don’t yet know about Lifetime movies. Continue reading “deconstructed milf”