comedy – Page 4 – aMediocreMan

rest areas trip me out

Always an old creepy white guy loitering near the stalls, waiting for someone to take a shit, waiting to wave his wrinkled hand under the divider, hoping someone will wave back, suck him off or play with his old balls.

Why can’t old gay dudes just go to a gay bar, find someone there to fuck, find someone there to touch his taint?

Always a carni-worker, sweeping up trash, wearing a stale, brown outfit, looking sadly at the life that passed him by. Putting up the chain on one of the two bathroom entrances, “this side closed for service“, so he can mop up the misguided piss, clean up the old man jizz, throw away the leftover shit stained scraps of toilet paper stuck to the cold concrete floors, flush the un-flushed toilets and then do the same to the other side. Continue reading “rest areas trip me out”

that bitch on the bread aisle

pants1 It was staring at the whole wheat, organic, high fiber, no trans fat, sodium free, steroid free loaves

It was wearing bright pink sweat pants with the word “JUICY” spread across both ass cheeks, the “UI” sucked into the designer thong cavity, screaming for release.

I couldn’t find the 99cent generic Publix brand hot dog buns,
My eyes strained for the all white bread goodness, its eyes reading labels to disguise an attempt at being healthy.

I wanted to stop staring at it, but I couldn’t, I needed to see the blood from the train wreck, the pieces of bone from the auto crash, the land mine aftermath.

“Excuse me, do you know where the hot dog buns are?” I asked it.

“I don’t eat hot dogs, I wouldn’t know,” it replied without even looking in my direction.

Well shit, my fucking bad, I guess I should’ve known.
It was just a bitch on the bread aisle who wants to be 20 again.

Thanks for the collagen, thanks for the Ughs, thanks for your husband fucking his secretary instead of you. Thanks for the suburban, thanks for the diamond studded Iphone.

I found the buns and walked out with my soul.

the first jerk- becoming a man

jcpenny Left school, rode my bike fast as shit
Didn’t even stop at 7-11 for candy, ditched my friends, said I had a stomach ache
Mom and dad still at work, house is all mine

Right to the bathroom, door locked, double and then triple checked to make sure
Turned the fan and the water on, don’t want to be too loud

Pulled down my pants and there it was.
It was at least 4 inches thick, just sitting there, teasing me, begging me to caress it.

I grabbed it and turned right to the middle section.
There they were, all of them smiling invitingly in my direction.
Some facing forward, some turned to the side with that “come hither” look.
All wearing lace bras in beige, pearl white or black,
with the extra wide straps that were popular in the 80’s Continue reading “the first jerk- becoming a man”

douche flute in cuff links

“I’m a salad kind of guy,” he said as the waitress looked away in disdain. Understandable disdain from her considering this was a sports bar, not Tavern on the fucking Green.

He wore tight designer jeans, way too expensive shoes, a royal blue blazer and diamond-studded cuff links that were protruding aggressively outward so everyone could see. He was fit, had great skin and tight cropped hair, almost military hair. And yes, his teeth were fucking perfect too.

He had wireless iPod ear buds, so it was nearly impossible to tell if he was speaking with someone in real life or someone from his contact list. A contact list full of hundreds of people who aren’t his friends, but just people who somehow make him money.

He continued to engage the waitress. “Do you have any healthier options.” In an increasingly strained tone, she apologized and said that was the only menu they had. I could feel her hatred growing and I understood it. Everyone at the bar understood it.

He ordered a grilled chicken salad with balsamic dressing on the side and a Stella draft.

As if I didn’t already know, his beer order solidified the fraud. Someone who dresses like him should never drink a Stella. Stella is just a fancier version of Coors Light. What a cunt. Continue reading “douche flute in cuff links”

I voted and it…………..

voted sticker I voted today and it felt pretty much as shitty as when I voted in the last presidential election. When picking between Trump and Hillary, it felt like I was choosing between Ebola and HIV.

This time I thought it was different. I cast my midterm ballot and walked outside into the beautiful 85 degree sunny skies and sat in my car with a smile. “I think I really made a difference this time,” my responsibly civic voice said inside my head.

But then I looked down at the “I Voted” sticker I dropped near my feet near the gas peddle. My smile quickly retracted and I realized I felt as if my doctor just informed me that I either had syphilis or gonorrhea.

My doctor then reminded me that I was allergic to penicillin.

Well shit, I can hardly wait for the results.

A better man would be more positive, but remember, I am a Mediocre Man.

public library…. I’m still in line

library I parked and started to walk in. A middle-aged couple in front of me.

The Couple– both carrying McDonald’s happy meals towards the trash can at the entrance (cheap fucks).

She– awkwardly large glasses, bad hair, overweight and wearing baggy, frumpy clothes.

He– even frumpier clothes, half grown dirt patched goatee, protruding belly and an odd diamond stud earring….. surprisingly in his left ear.

Once inside, busy, but not too busy.

The Elderly– outnumbering the young, speaking too loudly, not understanding what an overdue fee is and why you aren’t allowed to check out more books unless you pay your fee. At least they got out of the house today, even if to get in everyone’s way.

The Homeless– hanging out next to the bathroom, smelling like…… well, smelling homeless. Eyeing the clean people and wondering what could have been. Now, just trying to breathe in between near overdoses. Tired of getting shooed away by those who can afford toilet paper.

The Kids– makes me happy to see parents bringing their kids to the library, I have no negativity I can add to that. They run around the library like it’s a kingdom of fun. Keep reading, please keep reading. Continue reading “public library…. I’m still in line”

Dooky jesus

toilet jesus I saw an image yesterday
and it was Jesus

I kid you not
I had eaten at Taco Bell again
my stomach was tangled in a billion groaning knots

I sat down
On my lush porcelain seat
With the calm water below

One King Kong push, I wiped the sweat from my brow
I looked down like I always do
And there he was,
Crown of thorns and all
Swimming peacefully underneath

I jumped to get my camera, forgetting to wipe
When I got back
He was gone,
just like that

So I flushed

He let me down again