humor – aMediocreMan

all cats are probably gay

cat Prancing down the street, with a constant look of “I’m better than you bitch.”

Laying on the grass in the front yard, deliberately flipping their tails back and forth inviting you to pet their stomach,

then as you oblige, they scratch you like a mad queen who was just told he was “chunky.”

They flutter past you, deliberately brushing your leg for attention with their tail high in the air exposing their asshole, an asshole that looks like a banana that’s been split in half.

I’ve yet to see a cat who appeared masculine in any way, nor have I ever heard a cat meow in a deep voice like the Allstate guy.

(I’m fairly certain that All Cats (Domestic) Are Probably Gay, I mean no offense to the gay community.)

a hipster massage

(This is from my website: www.hipsterstories.wordpress.com)

Scene: Clemmy goes to Jude’s apartment to give him a massage. He is still floating in his Xanax dream when she arrives. She is wearing a robe to hide the clothes underneath so it will be a surprise.

Clemmy walked in to Jude’s apartment and he greeted her with a languid, sloppy hug.

“Wow, those pills really seem to be working. Now take your shirt off, lay on the coffee table because I’m about to blow your mind,” she said.

From her gingham bag, Clemmy pulled out four patchouli candles, patchouli massage oil and her cassette player. With Jude laying face down on the coffee table she lit the candles, dropped her robe to the ground and pushed “play” on the cassette.

Thelonious Monk live in Paris 1967 filled the air as she dimmed the lights.

She dripped the patchouli massage oil on the middle of Jude’s upper back and whispered into his ear:

“Just relax my sweet Jude. Picture yourself riding your fixed-gear bike alone on the beach as the waves gently splash the shore while I await you with a vegan Kale shake.”

Jude let out a soft moan as he began to sink into the coffee table like it was luxurious Marriott hotel pillow. Continue reading “a hipster massage”

destroying a toilet

(I have some deep-seeded public restroom issues.)

The Scene: My wife and I at a tapas restaurant sitting at the bar.

The Event: I felt a pain in my stomach that almost knocked me off my bar stool. Although loud music playing in the bar area, I think everyone in the place could hear the rumble inside my belly. I told my wife I had to pee and found the bathroom.

It was like a mini-gastric-earthquake ripping through my body. I dropped my pants and the second my pasty, white cheeks touched the porcelain seat, EXPLOSION!!! It was like a giant cow patty. Final, relief was mine…….. for the moment.

The Problem: I cleaned myself and reached to flush. HOLY, FUCKING, SHIT………… the toilet would not flush. MAYDAY, MAYDAY………the toilet would not flush.

I pulled the back lid off and started tinkering with the mechanical innards, but nothing worked. My cow patty was not going anywhere.

Decision time: I washed my hands quickly and carefully cracked the door to see if anyone was waiting in the hallway. The coast was clear so I walked briskly back to the bar and stood next to my wife at the bat.

“Wow, that sure was a long pee. Aren’t you going to sit down,” she said.

“Nope, it’s time to go. We have to leave now,” I said as I put down plenty of cash next to our plates.

As we were walking out the door, I looked back over my shoulder and noticed a few employees gathering in the bathroom where I left my destruction.

Relief, it was a close call.

adventures at Wal Mart

Adventures at Wal Mart (discovering opposable thumbs, this story is 100% true, it happened several years ago)

Today, I had to exchange a television at Wal Mart because the one I bought there a few days ago did not have a remote. This should have been a truly easy task to accomplish; but idiocy, poor breeding and patriotism stood directly in my path.

Act I. The Beginning of the Transaction: I walked in with the television and my receipt and made my way to the customer service counter. The employee was a young girl probably 19 or so with bad hair, but she was nice.

She took my receipt, stared at the “return/exchange” policy board behind her and told me that I had to exchange it for something that cost the exact same amount or something that costs more. She explained that she couldn’t give me a refund in any way, shape or form. “Whatever,” I thought to myself, I just wanted the exact same television, but this time with the remote it’s supposed to come with. Continue reading “adventures at Wal Mart”

I voted and it…………..

voted sticker I voted today and it felt pretty much as shitty as when I voted in the last presidential election. When picking between Trump and Hillary, it felt like I was choosing between Ebola and HIV.

This time I thought it was different. I cast my midterm ballot and walked outside into the beautiful 85 degree sunny skies and sat in my car with a smile. “I think I really made a difference this time,” my responsibly civic voice said inside my head.

But then I looked down at the “I Voted” sticker I dropped near my feet near the gas peddle. My smile quickly retracted and I realized I felt as if my doctor just informed me that I either had syphilis or gonorrhea.

My doctor then reminded me that I was allergic to penicillin.

Well shit, I can hardly wait for the results.

A better man would be more positive, but remember, I am a Mediocre Man.

public library…. I’m still in line

library I parked and started to walk in. A middle-aged couple in front of me.

The Couple– both carrying McDonald’s happy meals towards the trash can at the entrance (cheap fucks).

She– awkwardly large glasses, bad hair, overweight and wearing baggy, frumpy clothes.

He– even frumpier clothes, half grown dirt patched goatee, protruding belly and an odd diamond stud earring….. surprisingly in his left ear.

Once inside, busy, but not too busy.

The Elderly– outnumbering the young, speaking too loudly, not understanding what an overdue fee is and why you aren’t allowed to check out more books unless you pay your fee. At least they got out of the house today, even if to get in everyone’s way.

The Homeless– hanging out next to the bathroom, smelling like…… well, smelling homeless. Eyeing the clean people and wondering what could have been. Now, just trying to breathe in between near overdoses. Tired of getting shooed away by those who can afford toilet paper.

The Kids– makes me happy to see parents bringing their kids to the library, I have no negativity I can add to that. They run around the library like it’s a kingdom of fun. Keep reading, please keep reading. Continue reading “public library…. I’m still in line”

Dooky jesus

toilet jesus I saw an image yesterday
and it was Jesus

I kid you not
I had eaten at Taco Bell again
my stomach was tangled in a billion groaning knots

I sat down
On my lush porcelain seat
With the calm water below

One King Kong push, I wiped the sweat from my brow
I looked down like I always do
And there he was,
Crown of thorns and all
Swimming peacefully underneath

I jumped to get my camera, forgetting to wipe
When I got back
He was gone,
just like that

So I flushed

He let me down again