rednecks – aMediocreMan

the first honest obituary

A while ago, my grandfather passed away at the age of 88. I won’t bore you with the details. He was a great man, lived a great life and he died. That’s just life.

As my family prepared his obituary for the local paper, it got me thinking about a couple of things. Have you ever noticed how obituaries are always positive and always portray the dead person as a freaking saint?

Now, this has nothing to do with my grandfather, he actually was a saint and never hurt a soul.

But, I would like to prepare an obituary for a hypothetical dead person who was a real piece of shit.

Billy Ray Bumpkus 1980-2012, from Anytown, USA

Well, we all knew it was coming. Satan finally cashed in Billy Ray’s soul ticket and took him to the depths of hell where he belongs.

We all wondered how it would happen. Hell, the whole family and neighborhood had a death pool going.

Congrats to Billy Ray’s cousin Lula Bell who correctly predicted that he would die by being bitten by his pet Black Mamba named Hitler. $100 to you Lula Bell, well done. Continue reading “the first honest obituary”

adventures at Wal Mart

Adventures at Wal Mart (discovering opposable thumbs, this story is 100% true, it happened several years ago)

Today, I had to exchange a television at Wal Mart because the one I bought there a few days ago did not have a remote. This should have been a truly easy task to accomplish; but idiocy, poor breeding and patriotism stood directly in my path.

Act I. The Beginning of the Transaction: I walked in with the television and my receipt and made my way to the customer service counter. The employee was a young girl probably 19 or so with bad hair, but she was nice.

She took my receipt, stared at the “return/exchange” policy board behind her and told me that I had to exchange it for something that cost the exact same amount or something that costs more. She explained that she couldn’t give me a refund in any way, shape or form. “Whatever,” I thought to myself, I just wanted the exact same television, but this time with the remote it’s supposed to come with. Continue reading “adventures at Wal Mart”

extra mayo

steak When I asked for extra mayo on the side, she stared at me with those banjo eyes. You know the eyes I mean.

The eyes that seem to be much farther apart than they should be. Eyes that have watched cousins touch each other in the dark, warm areas only non-relatives should be allowed to touch.

Her quizzical expression reminded me of how a squirrel’s mind must feel when it crosses the road in front of a car safely, then darts back from where he came from. But her expression was far less urgent than the squirrel narrowly escaping death.

“Extra mayo? You sure about that,” she said with a southern baptist twang.

“Absolutely dear. Haven’t you ever had mayo on a philly cheese steak?” I answered a bit angrily.

And why did she give a shit about my mayo ordering habits? After all, this was an Applebees in the deep south and not exactly a bastion for health nuts. I naturally assumed that mayo was quite popular here. Continue reading “extra mayo”