emo – aMediocreMan

The Swim-Off, part 2

(From the greatest hipster/emo love story blog ever….. www.hipsterstories.wordpress.com)

“What the hell is going on???? I WON, I WON, I WON,” screamed Jude.

Clemmy and Stefan both ran to him and explained that Billy Emo was protesting the victory because oil from Jude’s body had gotten into his eyes disabling him from swimming.

“You’ve got to be freakin’ kidding me. I did put patchouli lotion on my arms and legs, like I do every morning, but that couldn’t have caused it,” said Jude.

Clemmy and Stefan looked at each other in disbelief when Jude admitted that.

“Jude, why would you do that? There was a slick of oil in the water right after you jumped in. Billy Emo may have a case here,” Clemmy said angrily.

“Hold on a minute. Look at all the foundation and eye-liner Billy Emo has on. We will blame it on that. It’s not like there is Emo-CSI to investigate what got into his eyes,” said Stefan.

Stefan then grabbed his microphone and began to yell in Billy Emo’s direction:

“STOP TRYING TO CHEAT BILLY EMO. IT’S YOUR OWN MAKEUP THAT GOT INTO YOUR EYES. TAKE YOUR LOSS LIKE A MAN.” Continue reading “The Swim-Off, part 2”

The Swim-Off, part 1

(This is from my hipster/emo love story blog: www.hipsterstories.wordpress.com)

The Scene: YMCA indoor pool. Billy Emo supporters on one side of the pool and hipster supporters on the other. Each group holding signs making fun of the each other. One YMCA lifeguard overseeing the event. Jude and Billy Emo facing off at the foot of the pool. Clemmy standing behind Jude.

Finally, the wait was over. The swim-off battle for Randall’s supremacy was at hand. Jude and Billy Emo stood facing each other with venom dripping from their eyes.

Billy Emo was wearing faded combat boots and was draped in a black robe that looked like Dracula’s cape. Jude sported a velour smoking jacket with a purple collar to match his trademark purple fedora and no shoes. He looked very sweaty and very greasy.

“I know about your webbed feet. Prepare to be destroyed William Emo,” Jude said with disdain.

You could see the fear flowing through Billy Emo’s face and somehow it became whiter than it already was.

Stefan and the hipster supporters were on one side of the pool holding signs and chanting, “WEBBED-FOOTED FREAK, BILLY EMO MUST DIE, WEBBED-FOOTED FREAK, BILLY EMO MUST DIE.”

The smell of an old, dank basement filled the air on their side of the pool. You could almost see the stench rising from their hairy, unwashed bodies. Continue reading “The Swim-Off, part 1”

The Purple Fedora Incident (Jude’s big balls)

Image from ebay.com (This is from my site: www.hipsterstories.wordpress.com, probably the greatest hipster/emo love story of all time.)

The day after Jude emptied his manhood all over Clemmy’s back, he was working at Randall’s and feeling like an absolute stud.

He walked around the place like he owned it. He couldn’t stop stroking his mustache while looking into the air with a confidant gaze. He truly felt like a new man.

He almost forgot he was working when two jocks approached the counter. Generally, jocks didn’t come in to Randall’s, but they were becoming more commonplace since a YouFit gym was recently built down the street.

The jocks were both dressed in Nike workout shorts and bright, fluorescent dri-fit shirts. They were muscly, sweaty and their demeanor cocky.

“Hey fedora boy, do you guys have any protein smoothies like Starbucks has,” said Jock 1 as Jock 2 laughed in approval.

Without saying a word, Jude pointed to the menu board behind him that listed two protein smoothies. Jude didn’t have a high opinion of jocks and automatically assumed both of them were less than average readers.

“Oh, so hairy face boy thinks he’s too good to talk to us. We’ll take two Guava paste, whey protein smoothies, extra large. We’ll be waiting at that table in the corner, just bring them over to us after you make them,” said Jock 2. Continue reading “The Purple Fedora Incident (Jude’s big balls)”

A hipster goes to a sports bar

This is from my blog: www.hipsterstories.wordpress.com

(According to one person that read the story: “It’s probably one of the best hipster/emo love stories ever told,” Anonymous.

After reading the email from Clemmy, Jude was confused, distraught and embarrassed.

Dear Clemmy,

Thanks for being honest with me. I understand, but I don’t understand, I mean I think I understand.

Anyway, I’m going to put my phone up for a while and go somewhere where no one knows my name…..you know, the opposite of the show Cheers.

Peace out,

Jude

He decided to drink his confusion away, but wanted to go somewhere different, somewhere where he could sit at the corner of a bar and fade into his glass. He walked a few blocks and ended up at Buffalo Wild Wings sports bar.

He walked in with his head down and sat at the last open bar stool at the far corner of the bar. There were televisions everywhere, each showing a different type of sport.

Jude ordered a PBR tall boy and started guzzling while the television above him played a girls college softball game. He stared at the game with a dazed look and was somewhat turned on by the girls playing, but was worried that they looked a little too much like men. He continued to guzzle.

The bartender walked up to him and placed a Jager shot in front of him.

“Easy man, I didn’t order that. I’m not trying to get that drunk,” Jude said.

“The two guys at the end of the bar over there sent you that shot,” the bartender said pointing in their direction.

Jude looked to where he pointed and his mouth nearly hit the floor. It was the two jocks from Randall’s the other day and they were walking towards him.

Jock 1 took Judes PBR tall boy from his hand and poured the rest of it into Jude’s lap. Jude sat there frozen and terrified as Jock 2 said, “Oh look, poor little fedora boy pissed his pants in public.”

“Enjoy that shot, because it’s your last drink in here. This is our bar, keep your stinky ass down the street at Randall’s or wherever else you hang out. If we see you in here again, we are going to shove that fedora up your ass,” said Jock 1.

The bartender walked over and asked if everything was alright.

“Just so you know, I’m going to Yelp this later and it won’t be pretty,” Jude replied defiantly.

Then he dropped some cash on the bar and walked out of the bar covering his wet crotch with his fedora.

“Thanks a lot Clemmy, thanks a fucking lot,” Jude said to himself as he walked home in despair.

a hipster massage

(This is from my website: www.hipsterstories.wordpress.com)

Scene: Clemmy goes to Jude’s apartment to give him a massage. He is still floating in his Xanax dream when she arrives. She is wearing a robe to hide the clothes underneath so it will be a surprise.

Clemmy walked in to Jude’s apartment and he greeted her with a languid, sloppy hug.

“Wow, those pills really seem to be working. Now take your shirt off, lay on the coffee table because I’m about to blow your mind,” she said.

From her gingham bag, Clemmy pulled out four patchouli candles, patchouli massage oil and her cassette player. With Jude laying face down on the coffee table she lit the candles, dropped her robe to the ground and pushed “play” on the cassette.

Thelonious Monk live in Paris 1967 filled the air as she dimmed the lights.

She dripped the patchouli massage oil on the middle of Jude’s upper back and whispered into his ear:

“Just relax my sweet Jude. Picture yourself riding your fixed-gear bike alone on the beach as the waves gently splash the shore while I await you with a vegan Kale shake.”

Jude let out a soft moan as he began to sink into the coffee table like it was luxurious Marriott hotel pillow. Continue reading “a hipster massage”