god – aMediocreMan

god and the gay dude

A gay dude walked into a bar and God was sitting at a corner booth looking all cool and shit while stroking his white beard. The conversation went something like this:

Gay Dude– Hey there, is that really you? Are you God?

God– Yes my son, behold, for it is me, the Almighty.

Gay Dude– (clapping gingerly) Finally, I’ve been looking for you for like years. I have a really, really important question for you.

God– Anything my son, what’s on your mind?

Gay Dude– Well, I’m afraid you don’t love me.

God– Why would you think that? I am God, I love everyone. I created you in my image.

Gay Dude– But I like other dudes.

God-Well so do I, what’s wrong with that???

Gay Dude– No, I mean I realllllllllllllllly like other dudes. I like penises. I like to touch them, lick them and put them in my ass.

God– Holy Shit, I get it now. You are a gay, hmmmmm. Yeah, I don’t really like gays that much. You know, I’m still pissed about all that Sodom and Gomorrah shit that went down a while back.

Gay Dude– But do you love me? I was born this way, does that mean you are gay too, since you created me in your image and all???

God– Look buddy, I love pussy. We had a security breach in heaven years ago and Beelzebub snuck in and started creating gays just to fuck with me. I so didn’t create gays. But now lesbians, I love me some lesbians. I take full credit for them. (winking)

Gay Dude– This is bullshit.

God– Get used to it and be thankful, at least you aren’t gay and black.

My Savior Is Tougher Than Nails

shirt I went to my local grocery store to get a few things yesterday. I was getting some butter when an older man, about 60 or so was heading towards me pushing a cart. I always buy the Kerrygold Irish butter, it’s fucking delicious.

He wore a black shirt with a huge cross and quote on it that said, “My Savior Is Tougher Than Nails.” His hair was long and white and his skin weathered.

There was even blood painted on the ends of the nails. When you think about it, it really is a sadistic shirt.

I couldn’t help but wonder about what fucking sicko would wear a shirt like that. By wearing it in public he was obviously saying to the world, “Fuck your beliefs and fuck whoever your savior is because my savior is way more bad-ass than yours.”

So fucking American of him. We are bigger, badder and fuck you if you don’t like it.

Personally, it seems like his savior kind of failed. I mean shit, being nailed to the cross really did him in. Sounds like he was kind of a big, giant pussy. (I mean no disrespect to vaginas.) I love vaginas and I’m truly sorry that I often refer to people I don’t like as “pussies,” but it just feels right. I’m old school like that.

I wanted to say something to him, but my balls just aren’t that big.

I wanted to say, “Hey asshole, you know what???? My savior is late night McDonald’s. The fries are so delicious it makes me forget about the horse-meat burgers. And guess what??? My savior will always be here for me. McDonald’s will never give up.”

god’s big dick

god I hope God’s dick is about three feet long. He’s been fucking me with it for about 10 years now without remorse, without KY, without Vaseline, without any lube at all.

Just dry fucking my blistered ass for years. I expected for him to at least toss my salad first and moisten it up for the fucking. But nothing.

No lettuce, no tomatoes and no ranch or blue cheese. Just straight on, dirty, hourly Motel 6 grunge fucking.

The kind of ass fucking that only the guilty get. Like the guy with the Tony Danza, Who’s the Boss van who raped kids, or the a-hole gang-banger who beats and kills an elderly woman for her $20 purse. That kind of guilty. Continue reading “god’s big dick”